someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
