I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
