Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
