you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
