i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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