From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
