hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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