my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
