nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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