I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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