Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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