"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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