There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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