Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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