yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
