the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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