She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The air taste purple.
Randomize
