u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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