it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
