I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
