You're my little dorito
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
