In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
