I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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