I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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