remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
