found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
