For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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