Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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