laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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