I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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