I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
