How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
