He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
