you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
