Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
