I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
