How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
