Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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