dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
