So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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