I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I will pee on everything he values.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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