i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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