1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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