new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
