Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
