i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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