i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
