my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
