I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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