My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
