I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
